How does anyone speak about celebrity without character analysis? And when does that analyzation become speculation or defamation? Because my opinions and descriptors, any assumption or dramatic exaggeration can be defaming. I could say or in this case write the one thing that turns all favor towards someone in another direction. This will be a case study and I am not afraid of how deep I dive. I myself have had all types of things said and written about me from a young age that were absolutely defaming. I had teachers who didn’t particularly like that I didn’t smile refer to me as neutral in the classroom. This feedback allowed educators to exclude me from academic levels, group tasks, team sports etc. Later in life I worked in several positions where I was the only Black woman. This happened multiple times at different organizations and I was deemed as difficult or hostile without even opening my mouth. It didn’t matter if I was in a management role or a support one, people refused to respect whatever authority I had even down to customers and clients. I do agree it was probably because I didn’t smile, or had a monotone voice but I also have a very stoic presence some might refer to as “resting bitchface”. However, my personality when you get to know me is very even keel and I am probably one of the most agreeable people to work along with or for. That constant assumption that I was mean made people treat me as such and it also hindered me from promotions, opportunities, collaborations etc. I have ultimately decided working in corporate settings just isn’t for me. As for personal relationships and even such minimal connections as those with neighbors, people just do not enjoy my presence and they will constantly reduce me to be unfriendly. Half of the time I can count on one hand my engagement with them or in the case of friends I would over extend myself so that I can be considered the nice one.
Overtime, I have grown to enjoy my solitude and more recently the safety of marriage. I can shield myself from peoples perceptions and partake in the things I enjoy exclusively with my partner. I used to believe in a concept of a forever boyfriend. Someone who understands, supports and defends you … forever. I had to learn that it was asking a lot of my partner to be my everything. We are individuals and our marriage is something virtual. It is something we come together to work on and we don’t have to like each other all of the time. But we are supposed to be good partners. We are supposed to respect each other for who we are and balance each other and defend each other in instances where we are tested. My husband and I met late in life and we have very different backgrounds. In our marriage, we have our own understanding and perception of each other, our expectations and values etc. The mutual friends we have made have their opinions about us as a couple and each of us as individuals. I have struggled with that, knowing that my husband may not always agree with me or speak up for me. And even in marriage things are still similar to before. Where one misunderstood look or causal utterance can lead to a loss of a friend or a reneged invitation or a promised opportunity. That my husband can be polarizing to people who are enamored with me and vice versa. And that we are a couple who looks good together but no one really knows the real us. So if I told a different story about us or our marriage, perhaps his family and peers would believe I am lying. And with him being the breadwinner, the oldest and more established in life and I being the neutral, stern, outsider there isn’t much I can do to defend myself. I now think of marriage as something that can be leveraged when needed but otherwise it doesn’t exactly do much in terms of reputation or loyalty. It is a connection that can easily disconnect.
Amber Heard has seemed to follow a similar trajectory of having poor relationships, constant misunderstandings and bitter outcomes trying to be perceived as the nice girl. So now on trial with her former husband, Johnny Deep, she isn’t even opening her mouth and people are making intense observations of her expressions or lack thereof, her clothing and her reactions to Johnny Depp’s testimony. People are really wondering how the two came to be in the fist place. By all means, this sort of breakdown is apart of any court case especially a high profile, celebrity and televised trial case. However, what is ironic is the topic of defamation layered with the brutal and sensational coupling of divorce and domestic violence. One can imagine how she must feel listening to the highs and lows of a tumultuous relationship gone terribly wrong. A re-telling that she cannot stop or attempt to correct. She must simply sit there and listen for hours as Depp tells his side of the story. The most angering part is that she isn’t there enduring this because they are divorcing — that was done over five years ago. They are in court now because Depp believes her re-telling in multiple past op-eps for various publications defamed his character. So in this trial which is one of many regarding different articles from different jurisdictions, both parties find themselves far from Hollywood in Virginia, the odd home of the Washington Post, telling the same story over again. Surely, this is the first time we hear his side since he has been away from the public eye since the accusations of domestic violence and sexual abuse came out. The suit filed by Depp is claiming a loss of work, public humiliation and above all that he himself was the victim of Heard’s physical abuse and Heard is countering those claims.
Now Johnny Depp, an actor is a mere mortal. He is a man capable of flaws and faults. He plays roles for a living. Which means his emotions and mental processes are manipulated for show. His craft permits him to fold and bend into anyone and emote on cue. Outside of his ability and fame, we do not truly know who he is as a person. And that is the same for most celebrities but an actor is a different breed. An actor may take on roles that provide duality to their own personalities or lifestyles. An actor may stay in character when the final take is cut. An actor may stretch themselves so thin for an opportunity their job becomes reality. There are actors who lead double lives on silver screens everywhere. Some have mental issues or inner turmoil and acting allows them to mask their true selves as well as their pain. I believe that Depp strives to give the people what they want. He can show up and perform despite being the opposite of the characters he plays. Behind the scenes he is a man with a host of personal dilemmas and in reality a deep, eccentric personality. I can assume having grown up in admiration of him and his work that he’s been pushed to a brink by his fame. He has lost several friends to drugs but he himself remains a functioning addict. He has switched up his image and became a household name but is far from PG-13 in his day to day life. He has strategically chosen roles that force him to be likable and approachable which have aided in his demise as those iconic roles can not be associated with all of this scrutiny. He has also associated himself with many beautiful women that may not have had his best interest at heart. Despite it all he has navigated the waters to become profound in his career and reputation, an incredible feat considering he came from a broken home and humble beginnings. It is clear acting was a choice to define himself as someone he was not. So why not consider that he is capable of being who his ex wife says he really is?
In Depp’s career he has kept a consistent roster of collaborators and supporters. He has done so over twenty years. He has friends who are on payroll that live alongside him. He has contracted stage hands who he ensures work on whatever project he is working on. All of these people defend him and refute any claims that he is capable of violence. And even though he has such a robust lineup of character witnesses no one can free him of Heard’s alleged, fraudulent defamation. Despite Heard being on trial for her op-ed, the publication that printed her story, stands by their story. And in a subsequent case with another so-called defaming publication, Depp lost that case. So it has proven, at minimum, Heard is telling a convincing story or a story that doesn’t really implicate Depp to the point that it is legally defamatory. While there is damning evidence of violence in their relationship, from both of them, it wasn’t known of outside of closed doors. Friends and colleagues of the pair, admit they never witnessed any physical violence from Depp which eliminated the notion she was ever abused by him. However, many people including her prior romantic partners remain clear about Heard’s personality and disposition. Those associated with Depp paint her as a stoic and bitchy woman who complicated Depp’s life. For me as an outsider, I imagine two artists with significant differences in stardom, finances and age bound for failure. Their romance beginning on set during a film Depp greenlit, it was clear he maintained the control in their relationship. That she was an underdog who married into his celebrity. A lot of what they had in common didn’t really appear to be the foundation for a long, successful partnership. They basically formed a union over work and small things they mutually appreciated. Johnny had a full life complete with another failed marriage and multiple children. She was starting her life and walking into something already established and perhaps enough for Depp.
And as she stands trial, silenced in her chair as witnesses say the same things about her, her body is still and face emotionless. Her physical appearance is questioned as if her current lack of makeup makes her less of a victim. She has yet to take the stand but Depp has and he has told a vivid story of many, many volatile exchanges between the two. He offers their private messages and audio recordings, which put some real meat on the alluded to bones. How is she expected to react to literal eight hour days of this for weeks on end? Should she be crying in a courtroom or playing up her looks to appear to be a victim? Should she have similar outbursts that he is reimagining for the jury to perjure herself? Or should she be visually stoic and bitchy as it does make her honest and true to self? Perhaps she was a woman without a poker face and the abuse she has written about made her numb? Or maybe she’s just acting, as she is an actor too? I do not know much about her but I feel as if I have known Depp my entire life. I feel like I can gauge who he is and so does the public. Everyone watching is monitoring Heard’s body language and listening to the story of how she became a part of Depp’s life. She is guilty before being proven innocent in the hearts and minds of people who have watched Depp’s catalogue. Nobody knows her and we are all invested in Depp getting out from underneath her alleged lies.
Then I listened to Depp’s unusual and methodical speech when on the stand. How he stuttered, appeared to be lost and made his answers into boring oral essays. Surely, he probably wants to tell his side of the story but I felt he was purposely manipulating the court. I tried to recall his speaking voice in various movie roles. I tried to consider the childhood he spoke of and his moving constantly as a child and that experience could render a voice like that. When his artist friend spoke he had a clear accent and his speech cadence was relatable. How had someone with such a distinct voice raised alongside Depp not spoken like him? It was as if they had grown up in two different worlds when the man admitted to knowing Depp since they were boys. There was some commentary by various audiences that perhaps Depp was intoxicated or had turned into Ozzy Osbourne after years of substance abuse. But those same audiences were empathetic to him and most believed Heard made him that way. But his speech and demeanor was never that way in the long career he had well before meeting Heard. And instead of honing in on their relationship and refuting her accusations, he spoke more of his career than anything. It appeared as if he was establishing a solid story of being reputable and consistent. He was holding onto the disposition of being someone who has always been cool and collective. However, all I saw was someone manipulatively deflecting and purposely dragging on. And if you had to endure the latter in a relationship you would become numb too. You might also become so agitated or frustrated that you would physically react to being placated or perhaps lose all sense of self and act violently. He has also said on the stand, that Heard was someone who needed to be placated to.
In that, I believe Amber Heard.
I believe that she was constantly badgered and pushed by Depp in a non-physical way. I also believe Depp acted or rather masked his way into a relationship where he was destined to disappoint. So when not acting or able to keep up with the facade that he created, he was suffocating and perhaps oppressive to Heard. I believe that Depp little by little broke her down mentally and emotionally until all she could do is fight. I believe she recorded their conversations as a way to document his ramblings and defend her future self. I also believe he gaslit and redirected her so much that she went to these publications not for revenge but for help. I believe she felt no one would believe her that our beloved Johnny Depp was capable of being cruel and aggressive. I also strongly believe he knows that and feels perfectly capable within this new character of himself. I believe he thinks that he can act his way out of her claims and no one will see through it not even a jury and so far it is working. The recordings in evidence of their verbal disputes, Heard herself provided. Those recordings do prove that she was an aggressor. They tell the story of her following him around to continue verbal altercations and physically striking him then subsequently telling him she didn’t. He is supporting those recordings by telling stories of her faking injury by putting red nail polish on tissues and her being spiteful to a point where she defecated on his side of the bed. And I wonder how could anyone not question polish having a toxic smell not akin to blood or an image of fecal matter with no context in which she herself questioned if it were from their dogs? You can hear her voice pitch ebbing and flowing from calm, then concern to screaming frustration in response to him literally interrogating her over random things. Those tapes, messages and personal accounts make her out to be an emotional and confrontational mess. Meanwhile the complaint against her is that she lacked emotion and had a total disregard for Depp as a human. I however hear an exchange where there was zero equity and she had to verbally spar with her partner to the point where someone hit record. Couples argue all the time and it is rare someone feels compelled to document the altercation as proof. The fact that she made the recordings tells me everything I need to know. Even if some of the recordings were made in conjunction with therapy — it is still very odd. The fact she provided them to be admissible in court makes me also believe she never intended to implicate herself.
Again, you meet, date and eventually marry a capable and bright movie star. You have similar interests and live in like worlds. Yet you are b list while they are beyond booked in popular franchises. You must rely upon them for your livelihood and you expect them to be the person you married. Then they began to spiral out of control abusing alcohol and drugs. Then they seem to be shells of their former selves using slow speech and questioning the simplest things. They have erratic spending behavior that is borderline compulsive yet bankroll their friends projects and personal lives. They become distant and separatist even to their own spouse, meanwhile all their peers, family members and colleagues claim that they are nothing of the sort. You cannot help but begin to believe you yourself are imagining things. You begin to mirror the behavior and settle into a traumatizing experience. Eventually broken and isolated you have nowhere to turn to purge yourself. No one will ever believe you and you have to suffer until you can see light at the end of the tunnel. But that would only happen after a public divorce and the possibility of losing your career. And to be real, she is an actress in her thirties … there isn’t much hope for a woman of any stature starting her life over at that age. It is almost impossible to find love again, regroup in career or start a family and she would be doing all of that with a lot of scrutiny.
People may believe that Depp was broken by Heard but it is clear to me it was the other way around. It is also plausible that both Depp and Heard had complicated personalities that were doomed from the start. That in their mismatched compatibility there was also dual toxicity and a dark, sense of self that collided when together. Even Depp explains their communication was different than most and that their humor wasn’t deemed normal or funny. In that I believe their idiosyncrasies could have been misinterpreted either by one of them or by outsiders like journalists or lawyers. I believe that victim hood could have been passed between them like a hat. And the above combined with acting skills could create an environment of constant distrust and emotional absurdity. One where a man could appear cowardice to avoid repercussion. One where a woman could become hardened in self defense.
The possibility of narcissism and or personality disorders have to considered in this case. Someone will eventually admit to some or all of that — a witness, a therapist etc. There will be some analysis on their behavior and how it has lead to this five year long feud. A psychologist will step in to clarify everything and pinpoint who is responsible for what and sadly one or both parties will break from the legal process. They will not be able to act their way through a lengthy trial nor will they be convincing to their own selves.
Depp has already told a riveting account of childhood abuse. He later inadvertently admitted to carrying out the same offenses in reaction to something as an adult. While we have yet to hear from Heard in court, the audio recordings detail a woman constantly trying to explain herself. Depp appears to be a wall where everything she asks remains unanswered and every claim she utters is twisted onto itself. It is clear their arguments were often one sided and he is vindicated in verbally pushing her. He deflects and denies while she chases him and begins to yell. Has no one detected that she grows agitated and it isn’t the other way around? He is always low in tone, sure of his speech and repetitive in his appeals to her. She has said that he destroyed the inside of a penthouse they were staying at. His peers say they never witnessed any destruction. He instead continues to undermine her claim, asking what penthouse she is referring to as he had several. He is asking for the exact number as the multiple penthouses were referred to as in example penthouse #4 or penthouse no. 5. Now he is the opposite on trial, appearing to be meek. At times, he acts as if cannot read or that he is suffering from perpetual brain fog. He can’t remember these incidents that were so explosive that she recorded them. All of the recordings conclude the same. After minutes of him rambling at a pace unlike his court appearance he cancels whatever argument and in defeat she lashes out. She admits she did hit him and he demands for her to admit that he was instead punched. She eventually succumbs saying she did hit him and he still wishes for her to verbally admit it was a punch. She says she hit him and did not punch him, loudly and repeatedly because otherwise she has no way to end the altercation and fulfill his demands. He accepts only when she emotionally caves. Surely hitting him is abuse but do you think she had any choice? What was said or done before she began recording? Why would she record at all? The images of Heard’s sweaty and welted face that she also took weren’t exactly the black eyes and broken bones we relate to domestic violence. Maybe the two of them played a constant game of grabbing and unhanding each other which isn’t a punch but could be defined as hitting but still wouldn’t be quite convincing or considered to be domestic abuse. So in that just like their verbal altercations he feels she is lying and any other version of the events is her attempting to defame him. And with all of the above you have a broken individual who cannot ask for help or even talk about her situation without being accused and inevitably silenced.
In every publicized criminal or civil case there are inflammatory remarks and or twists in a story. So Heard may take the stand and change everyone’s opinion on the case, her and Depp. There could be an outcome where their case is dismissed sighting they were and still are equally problematic. There could be a precedent set for cases of unseen abuse where mental health, substances and or perceptions rule in defense of silenced victims. Where victims can be confident that suits against harassing bosses, xenophobic boarding schools, demeaning educators, molesting priests, bad seed offspring and non violent but still violent spouses are held accountable for their actions. Where the accusations of abuse aren’t personified by physical wounds, permanent scars or tangible harm. That in fact, abusers can be hands off in their approach and do cause more permanent damage disabling their victims from living their lives as they once did. Perhaps we will pursue the violence that is unduly harm which causes just as much pain possibly more pain than weapons or hands.
Again, I believe Amber Heard. I believe her because I too am a victim of non-violent domestic abuse. I know what this harm looks like and how it intensifies. I know what it is like for someone to hit something versus you. I know what it is like to sweep up the pieces of that something in relief it wasn’t your face. I know what it is like to verbally spar with someone for hours even days because you failed to pinpoint one detail in a manner that they demanded. I know what it is like to tell friends and family that I feel I am being abused but cannot provide proof. I know what it is like having my peers to tell me to ignore it as everything else in my marriage is just fine. I know what it is like to document the abuse and find that it incriminates me more than it does my abuser. I know what it is like seeking victim resources and being told I don’t look abused so I am disqualified from assistance. I know what it like to tell a therapist in confidence I was threatened and to have them say to both my abuser and I they didn’t find that to be the case. I know what it is like to have a roster of people and consistent track record detail a life of composure and decorum on behalf of my abuser. I know what it is like to be devoid of family and friends to support my claims and explain who I was before the abuse began. I know what it is like to lose all sense of self to defend oneself. I know what it is like to remain stoic throughout it all because I don’t know any other way of emoting. And I know what it is like to have a plethora of people who barely know you to finger point and say she didn’t smile, she never participated and she was evil — when all you wish to do is live, work and go on without judgement. To remain neutral is to say that you liked whatever you were going through, that you deserved it or best of all that you were lying. I know.
It is a terrible realization to stand beside the man you married and know that image is a farce. And I fear what it will be like trying to prove what happened and is still happening to me in a court of law. I know he will turn against me and twist my words as he often does. And I know he will play a victim although he is a capable and revered personality. I also know his diagnosed disorder won’t be admissible in a divorce court as a valid reason for me to leave. I also know leaving is just a way for him to get away with it all and do it again to someone else. The light at the end of the tunnel in my opinion is so far and dark, it is impossible to leave this situation unscathed and in one piece. I know why Heard filed for divorce while Deep was dealing with the loss of his mother. Because sometimes you need an escape route from your abuser and you can’t get away if they are always ten steps ahead breaking you. And I know despite fame and fortune, that Heard cannot financially keep up with Depp. A regular person like me cannot combat someone who controls and spends all the money and shuts me out of every decision and belittles me for asking questions and laughs at me for struggling while they succeed. It has been proven that Depp has done all of the above to Heard. And that same defamatory fallout is affecting her livelihood too. The public doesn’t want to support her and she needs all the support she can get. To be considered the leech who stayed instead of the wife who settled in order to survive is a real narrative. And I know above all what it feels like to be completely numb because of all of the above. And I know I’ll be a bitch in every scenario where I cannot explain how I came to be so numb. And I know if I cried people will say I am manipulative. And I know if I lost my composure people will say that’s who I really am. So I stay and I save face because I know I cannot begin to get out from underneath the life I actually chose. I also still love him. And at times I enjoy him. In the same way Depp and Heard were able to have two years, where they likely at some point, both understood and supported each other. Then came the dark days and the shoving and the avoiding and the yelling. Sometimes marriage is just not what you could ever imagine it to be. And sometimes your person can become your worst enemy. Your person can also morph into you and begin to reciprocate the suffering. The resentment can outweigh the love. The enjoyment can fade into constant retaliation. I would assume Depp did something terribly demeaning to Heard for her to orchestrate that fecal incident. In this house, it hasn’t gotten that far. We are still on the stage of trying and seeking therapy. I wouldn’t stay either if that was the other shoe that dropped.
I really enjoyed Depp. I grew up on him and his body of work. And I am exhausted by all the cases of my now fallen heroes from my childhood. From Kelly to Cosby to Spacey, I am so disappointed. As I write this now it is Murray. I feel betrayed and misguided. I cannot get over all the confusing and angering situations. The real Tom & Jerry, the “winning” of Charlie Sheen and never-ending jokes from Robin Williams. The untimely deaths of those celebrities like Ledger, Hoffman and Mac Miller who struggled and we didn’t know. I do not understand how my childhood is being rewritten and erased because the people I thought I knew were avatars of their true selves. But as an adult in this day and age, far too late in life, I have realized you really don’t know anyone. I also know that you can have good intentions and be steadfast in your identity, morality and values just to have it all destroyed by another person — perhaps the person you marry. And I can’t bring myself to imagine what that amounts to financially. I can’t calculate a figure that would suffice in getting ones sanity and or name back. I would just be happy with my freedom and the ability to heal and move on. But my intention in getting married in the first place was happiness and freedom. I wish Heard all the things I cannot have. I want her to try to reclaim her sense of self for all of us who have been erased by abuse. And I want Depp to crawl into the alternate universe where all my old toys and missing socks went. And I want to forget about him because I do not want to imagine him acting like this. But for now I will carefully watch for what I believe is his last act. And I hope he unravels before everyone’s eyes so Amber Heard can finally be free.
